Today I was given permission by my supervisor to contact my successor.
If my leaving didn’t feel real before, it certainly does now.
I remember what it was like when I was the successor receiving my first e-mail from my predecessor. I was soooo excited to find out anything and everything I could about my future home! Next thing I knew, I was here, and before long, Yurihonjo was my home.
I felt a lot of emotions when I sent that first e-mail as a pred today; I was happy to be able to finally reach out to the person who will be taking over my job in two months’ time, but sad that my life here will be over in two months’ time.
May has been a roller coaster month. I’ve had a plan of what I would do when I got home since I signed my “not recontracting” papers – but I’ve been second guessing that plan. In fact, if you gave me back those recontracting papers right now and asked me again, I wouldn’t be able to decide.
I don’t think I want to stay. But there are some other ALTs I know who are going home who can’t wait to leave Japan behind!!!– and I’m not one of them.
Of course, as my time here draws to a close, I’m seeing everything through rose-coloured glasses. The language barrier preventing me from doing things like calling my landlord to remove the bird’s nest outside my apartment that has instead involved at least seven e-mails to my supervisor? No big deal! My apartment that can’t decide if it wants to be blistering hot or numbingly cold? I’ve suffered for two years now, what’s another little while! I’m not passionate about and in love with my job? There are good days that make up for the bad!
My problem is that, even though I have a stellar, fool-proof plan that starts literally two days after I get home, I’m not 100% sure that it’s what I want. And I think that’s what’s causing me so much stress and confusion – coming to Japan was seeing a 10-year (essentially life-long) dream come true and I don’t have a new dream to replace that yet. I’m going home and doing what I think is right – going back to school – but that’s only for a year. And then what??
This is the first time in my life that I haven’t had an overarching dream. It’s scary not knowing what I want to do or where I want to go with my life.
For now, the best thing I can do is enjoy the heck out of these last 68 days in Japan.
I’m not going to let these thoughts ruin the end of this amazing chapter of my life!!
Edit: Don’t get me wrong,there are several things that I’m looking forward to about going home – especially seeing my family, seeing my friends, and finally getting back to dance! – so it’s not all bad. :)